


Not Even You

by hongbab



Category: VIXX
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 17:05:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9773561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hongbab/pseuds/hongbab
Summary: “I love you so much that nothing can matter to me—not even you. Can you understand that? Only my love—not your answer. Not even your indifference.” (Ayn Rand - The Fountainhead)





	1. Prologue

Sanghyuk never would have thought that one day—on a particularly warm one, actually—he would meet someone who is as weird as Jaehwan.

 

But, to tell the truth, he should have seen it coming, because when he woke up that day, shuffled out into the kitchen with one of his socks missing, the right leg of his boxer briefs ridden up on his thigh, eyes sticky with sleep and hair so tousled had someone seen him they would have thought he had got electrocuted—when he sat down with a new box of banana-chocolate cereal and filled his favourite bowl with it, he had to face strawberry pieces and yoghurt balls instead of what he had expected. He spent some moments trying to comprehend what was going on (blinked at the cereal a few times as if that would have turned it into banana-chocolate flavoured), and then checked the box about six times, each time concluding that something went wrong at the cereal factory. He considered calling the number displayed under the ingredients, but then decided to go along with this strange offering from life, and poured some soy milk on the strawberry-yoghurt flavoured cereal which, in the end, tasted much better than the banana-chocolate one.

 

And that is exactly how it happened when he met Jaehwan as well (except for the soy milk part).

 


	2. I

Sanghyuk was really getting fed up with Hakyeon’s inability to be on time whenever they tried to meet up.

Hakyeon had said they’d meet for lunch at 1 p.m. and Sanghyuk knew that meant he would have to depart at 1.15 so that he would only have to wait about five minutes for his friend to arrive. He did that, and when Hakyeon didn’t show up five minutes later and neither did he reply to any of Sanghyuk’s messages, Sanghyuk decided to go down into the subway to wait for Hakyeon in front of the metro entrance.

He looked around before leaning against a column, recognizing that Hakyeon wasn’t among the people hurrying through the underpass, neither those that were queuing up in front of the ticket machine, nor those that were hopping off the escalator. Sanghyuk sighed and looked down onto the phone in his hand, checking all of his social media for the millionth time, and swiping the menu left and right when he had nothing better to do. He was doing that for a few seconds, but then he heard a melody that he had been hearing since he entered the underpass, but only now did it hit him, the words floating around in the air as someone sang:

_“There stands a guy—so handsome,_

_Tapping away on his phone, looking bored,_

_And I can only hope he has some_

_Spare change on him that he can afford_

_To give a poor young man like me.”_

The song ended with a surprisingly well-executed high note, the ‘e’ at the end of ‘me’ drawn out, and Sanghyuk looked up from the tiny screen, his eyes locking with two brightly shining ones. A dark haired guy was sitting opposite him by the wall, with a guitar propped up on his lap, fingers still playing a light melody, even though he stopped singing. He was grinning at Sanghyuk with a crooked smile, raising his eyebrows a little.

Sanghyuk stood transfixed for a moment, but when he managed to comprehend the possible meaning of the lyrics, he pointed at himself with his right thumb with a questioning expression. The musician nodded, and watched as Sanghyuk padded over to him and when they were face to face, Sanghyuk reached into the pocket of his jeans.

“Wasn’t that a little too direct?” he asked, dropping a ₩1000 bill into the wide-brimmed black hat that reminded him of a witch’s placed in front of the guy. “People are more likely to give money to beggars who don’t outright ask them, you know.”

“Yet here you are giving me a one thousand won note,” the musician continued smiling, sweet like sugar, teeth white like freshly fallen snow. Something was off with him—him as a mendicant, especially.

“Yeah, well.” Sanghyuk murmured, not intending to go on with the sentence. “‘Handsome’ can’t rhyme with ‘has some’, though. That’s cheating.”

“How clever a remark,” the musician said, his voice ringing just as melodically as when he was singing, making Sanghyuk more than a little amazed. “But it did have the effect I wanted it to have, so it doesn’t matter whether I cheated or not. Who is to say had I come up with something different you would have found it interesting enough to approach me?”

“I… yeah.”

“Thank you, kind handsome guy.” The stranger said, and now Sanghyuk found himself smiling back. “For both the money and the constructive criticism.”

“Sanghyuk,” Sanghyuk blurted out, only wondering whether giving his name to a random young man playing a guitar in a subway was a good idea afterwards.

“Pretty name for a pretty boy,” the guy said, his fingers stopping on the strings.

Sanghyuk felt himself blushing from the tip of his ears down to his neck.

“Please, stop saying embarrassing things,” he mumbled, looking around in the underpass, seeing a familiar neck stretching longer than usual, a head turning left and right above the crowd like a periscope. “I… have to go now. Um, you’re good.”

“Excuse me?” the musician asked, tilting his head to the side like a puppy.

“You play well,” Sanghyuk explained, face gradually growing hotter. “And you sing well.”

“Ah, thank you.”

Sanghyuk nodded and looked up to wave at Hakyeon, but then he heard from behind:

“Sanghyuk?” he turned back to the guitarist, eyes widening at the sight of the guy’s smile turning even more brilliant. “I’m Jaehwan.”

 


	3. II

Sanghyuk really was getting fed up with Hakyeon.

Hakyeon was his best friend for life, that was one thing he was 100% sure of, but he was also the person Sanghyuk hated most in the world.

Hakyeon was a busy choreographer with big, sparkly dreams about opening his own dance studio one day, always on the go for a ‘very important meeting’ with someone influential, maintaining his principle of Relationships First that was supposed to lead him to establishing a successful enterprise somewhere in the far future. Sanghyuk rather thought Hakyeon was just a lucky womanizer with a handsome face, lean body and some killer dance moves with eloquence on top, considering that most of his very important acquaintances were exceptionally pretty young women.

Sanghyuk was glowering at the cash register at the coffee shop, imagining kicking Hakyeon’s round buttocks in every way possible before he ordered an iced latte with Cinnamon Dolce Syrup and whipped cream and a cappuccino for takeaway. He had received a text from Hakyeon about five minutes before that read: “meet me on the corner of your block? buy me a coffee pls!!”, so Sanghyuk had pulled on some decent trousers and a pair of worn sneakers, his T-shirt creased as it was from never being ironed after it’d dried, and hurried down to the coffee shop to buy Hakyeon his favourite beverage.

Sanghyuk was standing idly near the corner with two cups in his hands, cursing himself for being so obedient whenever Hakyeon told him to stop doing whatever he was engaged in and meet him, usually bringing along some type of food or drink just like now. God, Hakyeon was an amazing friend, but he was also the worst.

“Mm, coffee.”

Sanghyuk jumped a little as he heard the strangely familiar voice from above his shoulder, taking a step back to look at the sudden appearance.

“Hello, Sanghyuk,” the guy with the wide brimmed black hat and shiny eyes trilled, and Sanghyuk almost dropped the cups as Jaehwan smiled at him, nose tipped up as he smelled the coffee scent.

“Uh, hey,” Sanghyuk replied cleverly. “You like coffee?”

“Every now and then,” Jaehwan shrugged, eyeing the drink that was supposed to be Hakyeon’s like a lion preying on a gazelle. He sighed. “That one looks tasty.”

Sanghyuk looked down at the latte in his hand, trying to realize what was so attractive in the dirty-looking water with what seemed to be thick black petroleum on the bottom and a sad, sugary whipped cream mountain on top. Then he looked at the battered guitar bag on Jaehwan’s shoulder and the hat from under which some curly locks peeked.

“Do you want it?”

“Really?” Jaehwan asked, voice jumping up an octave, eyes widening for a second, but then he deflated a little. “No, thank you. You clearly bought one of those for someone, and I’d hate to take it away from either of you.”

“I can just buy another one,” Sanghyuk said, reaching out the cup. “Take it.”

Jaehwan blinked at Sanghyuk, then back down at the cup, taking it almost timidly. He wrapped his lips around the straw, and Sanghyuk had to avert his eyes to avoid cooing at this random person that started to look more and more like some stray baby animal he was feeling pity for.

“This is the best,” Jaehwan said, licking some drops of latte off his lips. “You’re a very nice lad, Sanghyuk. I owe you one.”

“No, you don’t!” Sanghyuk said quickly, because seeing that Jaehwan may or may not be homeless (even though something really was  _off_  with him), he didn’t want the musician to feel obligated to return the favour. “I mean, you just… enjoy it, I guess?”

“I will,” Jaehwan grinned. “But still, I’ll try to figure something out for the next time we meet. I’ve got to go now. Thank you again and see you soon!”

“Yeah, see you.”

With that and a smile Jaehwan descended into the underpass a few steps away.

“Here you are.”

“Hakyeon!” Sanghyuk exclaimed in the tone of a person caught doing something bad.

“Who else?” Hakyeon furrowed his brow as he started walking fast on the pavement, away from the block Sanghyuk lived in, and Sanghyuk followed him like a good dog. “Where’s my latte?”

“Well, that… hm,” Sanghyuk gave him the cappuccino which Hakyeon stared at suspiciously. “They ran out of all the syrups, so I bought you a cappuccino.”

“You’re lying,” Hakyeon said, taking a sip and making a face at the cup. “And this is sewage.”

“Yeah?” Sanghyuk asked with a tiny flame of anger flaring inside his chest. “I’m not your personal assistant, you know. I could have just ignored your text and stayed at home.”

“Oh, you’ve entered your rebellious state,” Hakyeon jeered, drinking some more of the cappuccino and then throwing it away into a trash can. “You’ve grown up so soon.”

“How many times do I have to tell you not to talk to me like you’re my mother or something?” Sanghyuk grumbled. “Where are we going, by the way?”

“That place,” Hakyeon pointed at a tailor shop on the other side of the road.

“What for?”

“I’ve ordered some performance clothes for my dance group. We’re going to be in a music video in a few days. We’ve got to pick the clothes up, and after that I have a very—“

“A very important meeting,” Sanghyuk finished the sentence.

“You know, you actually could be my personal assistant.”

“That’s a terrible idea and you have to forget about it.”

“What a shame,” Hakyeon shook his head, pressing down the handle on the shop’s door and entering with a way too enthusiastic: “Good afternoon, Taekwoon!”

Sanghyuk looked around the different fabrics and sewing tools displayed around the walls, a curtain hanging in a corner with a small chair and a mirror behind it, the wooden counter and the finished clothes hung up on racks. He noticed a tower of boxes moving from a back room until they got put on top of the counter, revealing a hostile looking man with a tape measure around his neck and a dangerous glint in his eyes as he glared at Hakyeon. Sanghyuk thought the guy must have been an undercover drug dealer or maybe a hitman disguising his business in a very lame way, but when Hakyeon opened the four boxes, he only saw a bunch of trousers, skirts, crop tops and shirts in them.

Hakyeon pulled out one of each item, organizing them into outfits, observing the patterns and the seams.

“Beautiful job, Taekwoonie,” he said, looking impressed, which was a very rare happening in Cha Hakyeon’s life. “Amazing as always.”

“Thank you,” the tailor replied and Sanghyuk made a throaty noise upon hearing the soft voice that just came out of the tall, intimidating man who stared daggers at him afterwards, making Sanghyuk turn his gaze away.

“How much was it again?”

Sanghyuk listened to Hakyeon trying to flatter Taekwoon to extort a discount from him, his attempts becoming more and more cringe worthy by the minute. In the end, he got 10% off, and as they made their way out of the shop, Sanghyuk glanced back at Taekwoon who looked like he had suffered through a physical battle, suddenly feeling sympathy for the guy.

“Something’s not right,” Sanghyuk said as soon as they were out in the street again.

“What do you mean?” Hakyeon asked in that slightly off-pitch voice that appeared when he was trying to be innocent.

“You gave me two boxes to carry,” Sanghyuk pointed out. “Normally you’d give me all four. What do you want?”

“What are you talking about? I’d never—“

“Cut it out, Hakyeon, what do you  _want_?”

“Okay,” Hakyeon sighed. “These boxes have to be taken to the studio as soon as possible but I can’t cancel my appointment now. Please. Please, Sanghyuk, please.”

“God, Hakyeon, really?”

“Please, please, please.” Hakyeon whined. “I’ll take you to the cinema on Friday. I’m paying for your ticket and snacks and dinner afterwards, promise.”

“Okay,” Sanghyuk said, defeated. “Okay, but this is the last time I’m doing this.”

“I’ll never ask you again, I swear to my life,” Hakyeon said, placing the two boxes in his hands on top of the ones in Sanghyuk’s arms. He, then, stepped closer to Sanghyuk, ruffling his hair. “You know that I love you, right?”

“I wish you didn’t,” Sanghyuk grumbled, adjusting the boxes.

“Cinema!” Hakyeon called out, and started jogging down the street.

Sanghyuk grunted and cautiously made his way towards the subway.

He heard it. He could clearly hear the melody of a guitar being played and the voice following it note by note. He also heard when it all stopped and a few seconds later the hurried steps as a pair of feet approached him, their owner asking: “Can I help?”

“Jaehwan… right?”

“Ten points to Gryffindor.”

“I’d be glad if you helped,” Sanghyuk groaned behind the boxes, Jaehwan still out of his view. “Besides, I’d never get into Gryffindor.”

Jaehwan took two of the boxes and Sanghyuk was greeted by his wide brimmed black hat and that kind smile of his.

“Where are you taking these?” Jaehwan asked.

“Three stations away from here.”

“Can I come along?”

“Well, you can, but I don’t expect you to carry some boxes around for a stranger.”

“You’re not as much a stranger as you could be,” Jaehwan replied and Sanghyuk had to agree with that. “This is repayment.”

“I don’t want you to pay anything back,” Sanghyuk said, balancing the boxes between his chin and right forearm until he pulled his pass out of his back pocket. “What I gave you I gave them because I wanted to give them to you, not because I wanted you to return them in some form.”

“Well, then, take this as a kind stranger helping another kind stranger.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

“Thank you.”

They made their way towards the metro entrance, Jaehwan using a ticket freshly bought from a machine. When they were both sitting on the train, Jaehwan asked: “What House, then?”

“Sorry?”

“What House would you be in then, if not Gryffindor?”

“I don’t know,” Sanghyuk mused, trying to take everything into consideration like he had to make the most important decision in his life. “Ravenclaw, maybe? I mean, I have good grades. I don’t mind studying.”

“That’s nice,” Jaehwan said, tilting his head to the side, yet again reminding Sanghyuk of a puppy. “I wish I were good with studying. But I’m pretty lazy, you know.”

“So what House would you be in?”

“Hufflepuff.”

“You’ve been thinking about this.”

“Not much, it’s pretty obvious. I like people, I’m friendly and I’m usually considered weird. A true Hufflepuff.”

“You, uh, wow,” Sanghyuk let out a nervous giggle. “Are you being sarcastic now?”

“Not at all,” Jaehwan said, smiling at him. “Hufflepuffs are people, too. Don’t be pompous, Mr. Ravenclaw.”

“I’m not. It’s just weird that you admit that you’re… weird. I mean, you’re not weird to me, but… Even if you were, I wouldn’t mind. Weirdness is cool. You’re cool.”

“You are a very well-mannered guy, Sanghyuk,” Jaehwan said with a glint in his eyes that Sanghyuk sort of interpreted as mischievousness, but he mumbled a ‘thank you’ anyway.

They got off the metro, Sanghyuk leading the way towards the dance studio Hakyeon worked at. Jaehwan was chattering about the weather: how it had been sunny and warm the last two days whereas it had been raining for days on end before. Sanghyuk listened and only contributed to the conversation in the form of a few nods and ‘yeah’s, but not because he wasn’t interested in the topic. His only excuse for being so taciturn was that he really was  _listening_. Not exactly to the point of Jaehwan’s speech but his voice; it was a very attractive voice—and at this point Sanghyuk questioned his sanity—melodic in places like the soft notes coming from a well-tuned piano, but it also had a husky edge to it, and that made the palms of Sanghyuk’s hands become clammy. Jaehwan also cawed at a bird during their journey, and Sanghyuk laughed so hard a small snort escaped him, giving Jaehwan the opportunity to grin victoriously.

“Thanks for helping,” Sanghyuk said, standing stupidly outside the dance studio once they delivered the boxes. “It should’ve been my friend’s job to bring those clothes here, but… well, he’s a busy person.”

“And I’m not, so thanks for not letting me get bored.”

“Yeah,” Sanghyuk replied, scratching the back of his head. “So, um, we could get going, huh?”

“We could,” Jaehwan said, looking up at the bright blue sky. “Or we could go to that playground.”

Jaehwan was pointing at the playground between the blocks of flats opposite them; the place looked miserably abandoned on a beautiful weather like that.

“The playground?” Sanghyuk asked, confused.

“I mean, if you’re not as busy a person as your friend.”

“I’m… not.”

“Glad to hear.”

Jaehwan showed him another smile and started walking towards the pedestrian crossing.

They quickly learned why the playground was so abandoned: the metal toys were all rusty, one of the two swings had fallen off, and there was a small plate informing parents not to let their children play in the place as it was about to be modernized nailed to a nearby chestnut tree.

Jaehwan put his guitar down on the ground and climbed up on the ladder quite illogically attached to the swing—he climbed all the way to the top, sitting on the beam and sliding over the spot where the swing had been, his legs dangling down.

“Aren’t you coming up?” Jaehwan asked, glancing down at Sanghyuk.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Sanghyuk mumbled, looking at the plate. “These toys are old. You should come down, too.”

“This seems to be quite solid,” Jaehwan said, patting the beam.

Sanghyuk pulled a face and reluctantly started climbing the ladder, sitting on the top, securing himself by resting his feet on one of the steps. Jaehwan hummed a song, and Sanghyuk watched him stare off into space, suddenly blurting out the question: “So, are you a starving artist?”

Jaehwan stopped humming and looked at Sanghyuk with a serious expression.

“Hm, no,” he said. “I wouldn’t say I’m an artist.”

“But… you’re starving.”

Jaehwan let out a soft laugh.

“No, I’m not even starving.”

Sanghyuk furrowed his brow, watching Jaehwan’s feet swinging back and forth in the sneakers that seemed to be fairly new. Something was not okay here.

“Then why are you… out there?” Sanghyuk asked. “In the subway. Playing your guitar with that silly hat in front of you, singing about people giving you their spare change.”

“Ah,” Jaehwan sighed, “maybe I  _am_  an artist.”

“What?”

“You obviously don’t understand my situation, but I’m starting to believe that I think differently than others,” Jaehwan grinned. “Isn’t that how artists work? Or so people say.”

“You really are weird,” Sanghyuk said, smiling. Normally, he wouldn’t have smiled at weird people, they were just… strange, and that usually didn’t leave a positive impression on him, more like a neutral one. Jaehwan was different; _too weird to be weird_. “But if you tried explaining this whole thing to me, I might understand you.”

Jaehwan looked up at the sky, squinting, and then blinked a few, most probably trying to get rid of the dark spot the light of the sun left in his eyes, before saying: “It’s like… well. I’m out there because I want to sing, and I want people to hear me. You know that feeling when you have something to say and you’re aching to let all of it out but there’s no one around who would listen? It’s like that to me; I constantly feel like I want to affect people with my songs, and they don’t really want to hear them—no one does, people walk around with earphones to block out noises and their own thoughts, and they don’t even bother to look at me, even when I come up with random lyrics about them. But sometimes people like you stop to listen and pay attention, and then I feel like those people might appreciate what I’m doing, maybe I’m giving them a few notes to be stuck in their heads, maybe I can make them smile just a little, maybe they care. They give me hope.”

Sanghyuk mused on that a little, trying to understand the whole thing, but he only felt that he was failing miserably at it.

“Does that mean that you want to be discovered as a singer?” he asked in the end.

“To have staff members shove me around and put me into glittery outfits that fit so tight my groin burns?” Jaehwan scoffed. “No, thank you.”

“Okay, but then why are you doing it?”

“Ah, you mere mortal being,” Jaehwan said— _cooed_. “It’s really hard for you to comprehend things, isn’t it?”

“I’m not stupid,” Sanghyuk grumbled.

“No, you aren’t,” Jaehwan acknowledged that with a nod. “You’re just too conservative.”

“Because I don’t get why a person who has no reason to be begging for money is trying to entertain people in subways? Excuse me for not finding the logic behind it.”

“No need to be so worked up, Sanghyuk,” Jaehwan said in a tone that Sanghyuk didn’t like at all. It reminded him of his mother trying to soothe him when he was upset about something objectively trivial. “The change I want is like pocket money. I have a student loan to pay from my salary, but I don’t like living on minimum expenses. You see, I’m horribly addicted to sweets.”

Sanghyuk laughed, and Jaehwan watched him with his eyebrows raised.

“So,” Sanghyuk said, shaking his head incredulously, “basically, you’re doing it to have money for sweets, then.”

“Must you be so materialistic?” Jaehwan asked in a seemingly mock-indignant manner.

“I’m just trying to find the rationale behind all of this, but, as you said, I’m a mere mortal and I’m afraid I cannot possibly understand the way your kind of extraterrestrial creatures think.”

Jaehwan pressed his hands on his chest for dramatic effect, attempting to keep a straight face and almost messing up.

“You hurt my soul, young man.”

“Why?” Sanghyuk smirked. “I didn’t say it was a problem. I’ve always envied Elliott for having E.T.”

“How wonderfully flattering that you’re likening me to a parched cabbage of a thing,” Jaehwan said, pulling a face.

“Are you stating that I couldn’t lure you into my place with some candy?”

“I’m stating that you destroyed my self-esteem.”

“I never said you looked like E.T.! In fact, I think it’s the opposite.”

As Sanghyuk finished the last sentence, he felt his face flush. He bit his lower lip, looking down at his shoes, and then back up at a beaming Jaehwan.

“Oh. Well, thank you,” Jaehwan said and winked at him. “So, what was that about the candy?”

“Is that really all you managed to get out of what I said?” Sanghyuk asked, arching an eyebrow at Jaehwan.

“I told you I’m addicted to sweets,” Jaehwan replied, smirking. “And, speaking of sweets, why do you think I’m here with you,  _honey_?”

Sanghyuk’s feet slipped on the step and he yelped as he tried to re-balance himself. His face was undeniably red now which made Jaehwan watch him with amusement (Sanghyuk saw it from the corner of his eye), and he only managed to murmur, “God, don’t call me that”.

“Honeybunch,” Jaehwan said, and his grin grew even wider if that’s possible. “Sweetie. You are the first spoon of sugar in my morning coff—”

“Okay, got it!” Sanghyuk grumbled, but he couldn’t hide his goofy smile. “Is this revenge for the E.T. thing?”

“Sort of,” Jaehwan shrugged.

Jaehwan looked over the trees and buildings in front of them, right at the sun again as it made its way downwards to disappear under the horizon in about an hour. Sanghyuk wanted to break the silence with something because it felt slightly uncomfortable to him but apparently not to Jaehwan—he didn’t look too deep in thought yet he wasn’t as fidgety as Sanghyuk. What a brave person.

“I think I should go now,” Jaehwan said after a few minutes. He let out a sigh. “Someone isn’t going to be happy if he doesn’t get his dinner in time.”

“Someone?” Sanghyuk asked, half-curious half-unwilling. He would have liked to spend some more time with Jaehwan, weird or not. (Mostly because he was weird.)

“Someone,” Jaehwan replied and sent a kind smile to Sanghyuk.

Jaehwan jumped off the beam, landing crouched down. He stood up then and reached his hand out to Sanghyuk. “May I?”

“You may not,” Sanghyuk grumbled as he turned around and awkwardly climbed down—his legs way too long for such tiny steps. He heard Jaehwan snigger behind him.


	4. III

Sanghyuk spent a decent amount of time sitting on his couch the next day; phone in hand, a sullen expression on his face. Everyone who knew him knew he was not to be bothered when he was so lost in his thoughts, even his roommate, Hongbin, who was now chomping on a cereal bar way too loudly above Sanghyuk’s shoulder, muttering in between chews: “Jaehwan. Who is he?”

Sanghyuk closed Jaehwan’s contact on his phone, rolling his eyes.

“Just someone I met.”

“Is he handsome?” Hongbin asked, climbing over the backrest with much suffering, clearly regretting his choice of sitting down next to Sanghyuk this way. Crumbs of the cereal bar fell onto the upholstery, but Sanghyuk didn’t care. It was Hongbin’s turn in the cleaning that week.

“Why are you asking me if he’s handsome?” Sanghyuk arched an eyebrow at him. “Did you and Wonshik…?”

“Oh, no, we haven’t even decided if we’re officially together yet,” Hongbin said as if maintaining a relationship based on mutual feelings, attraction and sex for more than half a year but never actually solidifying it by stating that they’re dating was the most natural thing in the world. Sanghyuk didn’t know what was there to think about for so long, especially that on some nights he heard Hongbin yell at Wonshik on the phone that he didn’t feel safe in their relationship like that. But that was a different topic. “I’m asking because of you. You’re moody and grumpy too often nowadays. You could use some… treatment.”

“Yeah, I mean,” Sanghyuk cleared his throat. “He’s handsome. I guess. But I can’t really judge that…”

“Come on,” Hongbin said, throwing his head back in a tired manner. “You’re good at lying unless it’s about crushes. Just call him, invite him on a date, and you’re good.”

“It’s not that easy,” Sanghyuk mumbled. “I only met him two days ago. And, besides, he has someone. He said he had to make dinner for him. And I never said I wanted to go on a date with him, Hongbin, you’re totally misunderstanding me!”

“Liar,” Hongbin smirked, crumpling the wrapping of the cereal bar and throwing it at Sanghyuk, only missing his temple by a few inches. “He probably only has a cat because that’s the type of person you attract.”

“Wonshik has a  _lizard_ ,” Sanghyuk said accusingly. “To be honest, I can kind of see why he keeps you.”

“Meanie,” Hongbin moaned as he stretched his limbs and stood up. “You go take Jaehwan out for a drink or something and pull your disproportionate nose out of my business.”

With that, Hongbin marched out of the living room, picking up the cereal bar wrapping on his way.

“I have no idea why I haven’t thrown you out of here yet,” Sanghyuk muttered, more to himself than to Hongbin, but Hongbin poked his head back from the doorway saying: “Because I’m the son of the landlord.”

Yes, that’s why, nothing else.

An hour later Sanghyuk, armed with a pocketful of change, headed down into the subway, almost turning back five times on the way, heart racing in his chest. He didn’t know why he was so… excited about the whole thing, maybe because of the stupid, stupid things Hongbin had told him. Asking Jaehwan out—what an idiotic idea! (Or… was it? Of course it was!)

The coins in his pocket jingled embarrassingly as he descended into the underpass, hearing the familiar melody of a guitar followed along by the most amazing voice Sanghyuk had ever heard (and he had gone to a Park Hyoshin concert with Hongbin before). He soon noticed Jaehwan who was smiling at the morose pedestrians like a fool, his happiness automatically tugging at the corners of Sanghyuk’s own lips.

“Bravo, Mr. Artist,” he said when Jaehwan finished the song, fishing out his change and throwing all of it into Jaehwan’s silly black hat.

“Ah, my number one fan,” Jaehwan grinned. “Thank you for your appreciation. Would you like to take a seat?”

Sanghyuk looked at the hard floor Jaehwan was patting next to himself.

“There?”

“You can sit with the audience,” Jaehwan said, gesturing towards the nonexistent audience around him. “But you get to have a VIP seat. Consider your choices.”

“Alright,” Sanghyuk nodded and sat down by Jaehwan’s side.

Jaehwan adjusted the guitar in his lap and started singing a new song. Sanghyuk watched him with an unwavering attention, and when he caught himself, he started playing with the brim of Jaehwan’s hat.

Jaehwan’s voice was most impressive when he sang. It was soft and light, almost careless; it sounded like he didn’t even have to try not to mess up a note, not even the toughest, highest ones. His voice was deep but not overbearingly so, he didn’t sound like Wonshik who talked like a very sleepy bear but like…

Sanghyuk glanced at Jaehwan, the way he formed the words and the crinkle of his eyes and it hit him. Jaehwan’s voice was like those small, separately packaged milk caramel candies he used to eat tons of when he’d been little until his mother realized he was lactose intolerant. Jaehwan’s voice didn’t remind him of the stomach-ache though, but the taste of those candies. It was sweet and fluid in a curious way that you could only experience once you chewed on its friable texture which made it an exciting kind of sweets despite its simplicity. Jaehwan’s clear notes were just like that under the raspy layer of them, and Sanghyuk felt himself enchanted as he listened.

He was in a sort of trans until he noticed someone stopping in front of them and standing there with his brows knit. It was a middle aged man with a facial structure that suggested he was a strict person, and as he judgingly stared at Jaehwan, Sanghyuk started to feel a little protective. He opened his mouth to ask the stranger if there was something he didn’t like, but then Jaehwan’s song ended and he beamed up at the man.

“Hello, sir.”

“Lee Jaehwan,” the man said, shaking his head. “You’re here. Again.”

“As you can see, sir,” Jaehwan trilled.

“You know it’s not right, do you?”

Jaehwan flung an arm around Sanghyuk who jumped a little at the contact, unable to comprehend what was going on before Jaehwan pulled him close, smashing their cheeks together. Sanghyuk couldn’t see, but he had the impression that Jaehwan was pouting.

“But, sir, we’re trying to get money for our wedding,” he whined.

Sanghyuk felt the tips of his ears flaming up at that as if they got physically set fire to.

“Your wedding?” the man asked, taken aback. He glanced at Sanghyuk with utter confusion that Sanghyuk supposed was similar to what was visible on his own face. “But what about you and— Oh. Oh, I get it. Jaehwan. You don’t have to lie to me, I’m not on duty.” The man gestured over his clothes.

“Does it matter whether you’re on duty or not, sir?” Jaehwan asked, letting go of Sanghyuk who still tried to process what was happening.

“It does. I have to let you do whatever you want now, but if I were working now, you would have to pack up your stuff and leave, Jaehwan. You shouldn’t break the law every day.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” Jaehwan grinned. “I promise I’ll be good.”

“You and your promises,” the man shook his head and left, ignoring Jaehwan’s enthusiastic goodbyes.

“What… I mean, who was that?” Sanghyuk asked, his voice breaking halfway.

“Just a good friend of mine,” Jaehwan said. “A police officer. What I’m doing here is not exactly legal, so he’s a little miffed at me, but he’s cool. We’ve known each other for a while.”

“I see.”

And Jaehwan started singing a ballad song, his entire being glowing; his voice pulling Sanghyuk in like a street lamp attracts moths.


	5. IV

Sanghyuk became obsessed with coins.

He ran around trying to cash his bigger notes to them—he asked Hongbin and Hakyeon to change his money for him, paid in the store in a way that he would get coins back. He tossed them into Jaehwan’s hat every day he went to the underpass to sit down and listen to him, but not much later Jaehwan made it clear that he did not want Sanghyuk’s money—only his presence (at which Sanghyuk promptly blushed). Sanghyuk went with sweets instead after that day, always something different, and Jaehwan seemed to be so happy and grateful it was likely to melt Sanghyuk’s heart.

While Sanghyuk delivered chocolate bars, lollipops, sour candies and jelly beans, Jaehwan started smuggling cookies, croissants, doughnuts and pieces of pies for him from the bakery he worked at as a cashier. According to Jaehwan, they weren’t very tasty, but Sanghyuk grew attached to them very fast, shoving even the dry pastries down his throat every single day at approximately 3 in the afternoon.

It was a few weeks later that Sanghyuk couldn’t find Jaehwan at his usual place in the underpass. He waited for a bit, and then pulled his phone out and looked for Jaehwan’s number to send him a text, but then a hand grabbed his shoulder.

“Hey,” Jaehwan greeted him happily, immediately boosting Sanghyuk’s already positive mood.

“Hey,” Sanghyuk smiled. “Why are you not playing today? And where are your guitar and hat?”

“It’s my day off,” Jaehwan said so convincingly Sanghyuk actually believed he had a set schedule. “I thought we should do something different today, it’s started to get boring down here, hasn’t it?”

Sanghyuk gave a one-shouldered shrug.

“I was okay with it.”

“Well, I was not going to bore you to death,” Jaehwan said and took the steps leading to the surface, Sanghyuk following behind. “This one is for you.”

Sanghyuk took the bag Jaehwan was reaching out to him, giving a KitKat to him in return.

“What’s this?” Sanghyuk asked, peeking into the brown paper bag.

“A new product,” Jaehwan replied, stuffing the chocolate into his mouth with such urgency if someone saw, they would have thought he  _was_  a starving person. “It’s puff pastry filled with vanilla ice cream. It sounds horrible, I know,” Jaehwan said when he saw Sanghyuk pull a face at it, “but it’s not bad, believe me. It’s probably our best product. Do you have that…  _thing_  on you?”

Sanghyuk took the bottle of pills he brought along every time he met with Jaehwan out of his pocket. Jaehwan knew very well that Sanghyuk and milky foods weren’t on the best of terms, and he tried to avoid bringing him those, but sometimes those were the only things that he could pilfer from the bakery, and Sanghyuk always had to listen to the flow of apologies when it happened, so he took on the habit of keeping the pills that helped him digest those in his pocket.

“Good,” Jaehwan nodded. “It’s not very practical, because it melts very fast in this weather, so you should probably taste it.”

Sanghyuk eyed the small, triangle shaped pastry on the bottom of the paper bag for a few more seconds, and then took a bite. It was indeed surprisingly yummy compared to other things Jaehwan had brought him, but since the filling was already a little melted, he had to be quick.

“It’s really good,” Sanghyuk said, munching on the last bite. “Kind of weird, but very tasty.”

“Told you,” Jaehwan smiled, suddenly sitting down, and Sanghyuk just realized they arrived in the park a few corners away. He sat down on the grass next to Jaehwan on the edge of the small, artificial pond, enjoying the shadow cast by the wild cherry tree above them. Jaehwan turned his head towards Sanghyuk, his eyes roaming over Sanghyuk’s face and his smile growing wider. “Even if it’s a little messy.”

Jaehwan lifted his hand to Sanghyuk’s face, rubbing at the corner of his mouth with his thumb while Sanghyuk wanted to disappear from the planet, because it’d been a few days since he last shaved and he absolutely did not want Jaehwan to feel his stubbles. Jaehwan didn’t seem to care about them though, for he finished fixing Sanghyuk’s appearance and opened the other paper bag he brought along. Sanghyuk, stunned as he was, vaguely registered that Jaehwan didn’t have another puff pastry triangle filled with vanilla ice cream in that bag, but about five bagels.

“Bagels?” Sanghyuk blurted out.

“For the mallards,” Jaehwan replied. “Take your pill.”

“Ah, yes,” Sanghyuk nodded and chewed on one of said pills before he swallowed it. “I can’t see any mallards here though.”

Jaehwan tapped his shoulder and pointed at the abandoned bench a few feet away. There was a wild duck couple: the female a light brown colour with a purple patch on its sides, the male emerald and navy in some places above the grey feathers. They were both sleeping peacefully under the shade of the bench with their beaks tucked under their wings.

“But if they’re all sleeping—“

“Just watch.”

Jaehwan tore a piece out of the bagel and threw it towards the pond. A few seconds later a mallard landed in the water, picking up the bite and swallowing it. Some other ducks gathered around it in hopes of them getting food as well.

“Try it,” Jaehwan said and gave Sanghyuk a bagel.

Soon they were surrounded by noisy wild ducks, an entire family among them with the cutest, fluffiest ducklings Sanghyuk had ever seen following their mother. There was a huge swan, too, swimming close to the edge but not leaving the pond.

“Poor little girl,” Jaehwan sighed and stood up, scaring some of the mallards away as he approached the swan, throwing a big amount of bagels in front of it.

“Why poor?” Sanghyuk asked, further feeding the ducks that quacked happily. “And how do you know it’s a ‘girl’?”

“I talked to the caretaker of the park—”

“Of course you did,” Sanghyuk interjected, smiling at the ducklings that were cheeping at him.

“Yes, I did,” Jaehwan said. “And he told me this swan lost her lover some months ago. She’s been very lonely ever since. The caretaker said he would try to find her a new partner, but there’s no guarantee she’ll like him. Swans are utterly romantic creatures and usually stay with their mates until they die, but when the worst comes, they can form a new relationship with another, in a different place. This one here though… She’s a little special. She’s kind of shy. She’s been grieving for way too long, and she won’t fly away to find herself a new mate.”

Sanghyuk stared at the pieces of bagel scattered around in front of him, watched the ducks nibbling on them.

“This…” he muttered, “this is sad. Is it true?”

“Of course it is,” Jaehwan replied, cleaning the crumbs off his hands as he sat back down next to Sanghyuk. “I wouldn’t joke about this, I mean, look at her. It’s just a bird but… she looks heartbroken, don’t you think?”

Sanghyuk watched the swan swimming idly, away from the edge, back towards the middle of the water, and tried to see what Jaehwan saw on her, but, honestly, he had never seen a bird that had its emotions plastered on its face, let alone looking heartbroken. He turned his head towards Jaehwan then, saw his smile falter and then disappear as he pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged them.

“I’ve seen lots of pictures of two swans floating on the water with their heads pressed together, forming a heart” he said quietly. “All of us have, right? I always think that must have been how she lived with her mate and wonder if they ever had cygnets that got taken away from them or died or something. She’s so alone here and so sad, yet she won’t leave. Why is she staying? Is she not able to love anymore?”

At one point Sanghyuk almost said ‘Jaehwan, it’s just a swan’ as some kind of comfort, but then he realized that Jaehwan’s words touched him more than he thought. He suddenly felt ridiculous for wishing he could just grab a male swan and take it there, but he wanted to cheer the swan up, he wanted Jaehwan to stop looking so sad it was tearing Sanghyuk’s heart to pieces.

“I’ve never…” he said, and then changed his mind. “I don’t know how it must feel. Being in love with someone and then losing them. I don’t think I’ve ever… well. Been in love.”

“Never?” Jaehwan asked, glancing at Sanghyuk.

He looked beautiful. With all that sadness shining in his dark eyes, his lips curved in a curious question, the shadow of the leaves on his face—Jaehwan looked like an angel, or some other being not of this world.

“Maybe once,” Sanghyuk mumbled, barely having the capacity to notice that the side of his nose brushed against Jaehwan’s before he closed his eyes and kissed him.

Sanghyuk stilled, his brain switching off entirely, but he distantly sensed that Jaehwan let go of his own legs, his left hand coming up to Sanghyuk’s shoulder to rest on it timidly while he parted his lips just a little, capturing Sanghyuk’s lower lip between them like he was afraid of a full-on kiss. He was too cautious but Sanghyuk was half-unconscious, so he just let Jaehwan do whatever he wanted.

A break, a small pause; Jaehwan’s breath came in tiny puffs, hitting Sanghyuk’s mouth as they both opened their eyes, Jaehwan looking cross-eyed, just like Sanghyuk probably did. He tried to smile, he really tried, but the corners of his lips were shaky, and they trembled against Jaehwan’s when he closed the distance between them for the second time. He wanted to hug Jaehwan, he wanted to pull him close and run his fingers through his hair, but Jaehwan was so diffident Sanghyuk couldn’t bring himself to deepening the kiss. Jaehwan ended it with a soft peck, his hand sliding off Sanghyuk’s shoulder.

Sanghyuk swallowed hard, his entire chest clenching from how rapidly his heart was beating, his face hot and his limbs feeling like jelly. Jaehwan eyed the bagel crumbles around him and threw some of them towards the ducks.

“No one ever came here with me before,” he said, voice raspier than usual, the tops of his cheeks rosy. “Thank you.”

“Yes,” Sanghyuk nodded, but had no idea why. “I mean, thank you for bringing me here. I’ve been here a few times but I never fed the ducks before. It’s very nice here.”

Jaehwan smiled and Sanghyuk’s stomach made a somersault.

“Well, it’s time to go,” Jaehwan said, standing and pulling Sanghyuk up without a question. He was way too strong for someone who looked as fragile as him. “I still have to cook dinner.”

“Can I ask you something?” Sanghyuk asked when they were already on their way towards the main street.

“Go ahead.”

“Who is that you cook dinner for?”

Jaehwan’s head snapped towards Sanghyuk, and then he glanced back down at the pavement. He looked slightly uncomfortable.

“His name is Taekwoon,” he said in a tone Sanghyuk couldn’t decipher.

“Taekwoon?” he echoed, trying hard to remember the owner of the familiar name. “He’s… the tailor?”

“Do you know him?” Jaehwan asked, eyebrows raised.

“My friend does.” Sanghyuk replied, trying to sound as casual as he could, even though a horrible feeling was making its way upwards in his throat like stomach acid. “Do you live together? Are you… are you together? By any chance?”

Jaehwan hesitated for a moment, but then said: “Yes, we are. I’m going this way,” he said then, gesturing towards the street on the right. “See you tomorrow?”

Sanghyuk’s brain froze up, but he managed to utter a ‘yeah, see you tomorrow’ before Jaehwan gave him a last, happy smile and then took the street on the right.


	6. V

“So you met someone you like but he has a boyfriend?” Hakyeon asked, picking things from the store’s aisles while Sanghyuk tried to keep up with him. It was quite annoying; he felt like he was doing the grocery shopping with his mother again.

“And we kissed,” he added.

“And you kissed,” nodded Hakyeon, acknowledging the importance of the information. “What’s the problem exactly?”

“Hakyeon, are you even listening?” Sanghyuk stepped next to him, trying to look as indignant as he could, but Hakyeon was too busy trying to find the price of a box of dates.  “I— he cheated on his boyfriend with  _me_.”

“I don’t really see what’s wrong here,” Hakyeon said, pulling a face when he saw how much the fruit cost and put the box back onto the shelf. “Are you feeling guilty?”

“Of course I am,” Sanghyuk grumbled.

“Well, you shouldn’t,” Hakyeon replied and now he turned to Sanghyuk, looking him in the eye. “You weren’t the culprit, you were merely the tool. He’s the one who messed things up and not even with you but with his boyfriend. If he can get over it, you just resume whatever you two had before the kiss. If he can’t, he will have to choose. Simple as that.”

“No, it’s not, Hakyeon. It’s not that simple. It wasn’t just a… kiss; it was… well. I like him. Like, really. A lot. He can’t choose Tae— his boyfriend, I wouldn’t… be happy with that.”

“God, Sanghyuk.” Hakyeon let out a deep sigh, continuing on his way, throwing seemingly unnecessary food into his basket. “You always fuck it up with guys; it’s so much easier when you’re dating a girl, you should find one instead.”

“You know it doesn’t work like that. There’s no switch—”

“Okay, I know,” Hakyeon cut him off, “you’ve already given me this speech a million times, it’s pretty boring.”

“What do you think, then? Should I tell him that it didn’t mean anything or…?”

“But it did.”

“It did,” Sanghyuk admitted.

“Then no. There’s no point lying about this. Let him open up about it if he wants, and if he doesn’t, then let it just fade away.”

Sanghyuk was very close to grabbing Hakyeon by the shoulders and shaking him until he was dizzy, but he tried to contain himself.

“Hakyeon, you absolute nuthead,” he hissed through gritted teeth, “I just told you I like him. I don’t want it to fade away, I want… more.”

“Sanghyuk, I am an evolutionary dead-end when it comes to relationships, you know that very well,” Hakyeon said, looking a little regretful, making Sanghyuk panic a little. He knew Hakyeon’s numerous short-lived romantic relationships were a painful spot he didn’t mean to touch upon, but he was so lost on this case he needed advice and he needed it from his best friend. “I would probably threaten the boyfriend or blackmail him or persuade the person I like. And if I didn’t succeed, I’d just throw a tantrum over it and whine to you. I can’t help you with this.”

Sanghyuk rubbed at his face, unsuccessfully trying not to have a mental breakdown in the middle of the toiletries section of a grocery store.

“It’s just that it’s a lot worse than anything before,” he said, his voice coming out muffled behind his hands. “I have no idea what to do, I only know what I want, and it’s… I mean, I’d gladly get rid of it all, but I can’t, and it feels like I’ve known him forever and his moves are all so familiar like I was born to recognize them and I lose my mind around him and he makes me the happiest person on Earth and…” Sanghyuk took his hands off his face, embarrassed tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. “Why the fuck am I talking about this in front of a goddamn shelf full of tampons; what even do you  _want_  from this place, Hakyeon?”

“Shower gel,” Hakyeon replied, a little dazed as he pointed at the shelf opposite the tampons, but took no steps to get a bottle of shower gel into his basket. “But back to you, because what you just described here was pretty crazy. Sanghyuk, you’re—”

“I swear to every single one of the Greek gods that I’ll punch you in the mouth if you say it,” Sanghyuk growled.

“Wow,” Hakyeon whispered like a silly little schoolgirl who heard the most amazing rumour she can spread to her classmates. “How long has it been like this?”

“I don’t know,” Sanghyuk mumbled. “A few weeks. We’ve known each other for about a month and a half. I don’t know.”

“You should have told me about him earlier,” Hakyeon said, tossing a blackberry-ginger scented shower gel on top of his other things. “I could have helped to keep your libido down.”

“You always keep my libido below zero, but that’s not the point,” Sanghyuk sighed. “I wouldn’t even care if—”

Hakyeon arched an eyebrow at him.

“Yes, okay, he’s incredibly attractive in that sense too, but that’s not why I’m like this. Fuck, this is so hard and embarrassing to explain.”

“No, I get you,” Hakyeon said, finally heading towards the cash register. “We should work out a plan to make it look like an accident.”

“An accident?” Sanghyuk asked, totally confused.

“The murder of the boyfriend. It’s not going to be easy, but I’ll be with you.”

“You aren’t actually going to help me with this whole thing, are you?”

“I’m sorry,” Hakyeon shrugged and he looked genuinely sorry for a second before he sent a dashing smile in the cashier’s way who, being a young woman, nearly swooned at it while giving the change to the customer in front of her. “I’ve read about the notion you’re talking about and I know its name which I will not say in front of you lest you break my nose, but I’ve never experienced it. I don’t know how to help you, but there’s like, fate, and things like ‘if you really are meant to be together, it will happen, you just have to wait’? I don’t know, they sound like a pile of shitty excuses not to do anything, but if I were you, I’d probably believe in them.”

“You’re as useful a friend as a goddamn tree,” Sanghyuk grouched, ultimately giving up.

“Trees give you oxygen,” Hakyeon said, wagging his index finger. “You’re practically dead without me.”

And Sanghyuk wished he had been.


	7. VI

When Jaehwan first agreed to go up to Sanghyuk and Hongbin’s place, Sanghyuk was almost 100% sure there was no turning back from the mess inside his head and chest. He was testing himself, how long he could endure without even just implying that he was  _feeling things_  for Jaehwan, how friendly he could behave when all he wanted was to hold Jaehwan in his arms and smile at him until they both fall asleep.

He was doing fairly well until Jaehwan started to show interest in Sanghyuk’s life. It wasn’t only about anime (which they watched together every afternoon stretching into evening after Jaehwan deemed it okay to stop singing in the underpass), binge-eating popcorn and Sanghyuk listening to Jaehwan’s ridiculous voice imitations anymore but also about Jaehwan feeling comfortable enough to sit on the floor in the middle of Sanghyuk’s textbooks, notebooks and folders scattered around.

“This whole thing is so beyond my comprehension,” he said, turning a page in Sanghyuk’s thermodynamics notes while Sanghyuk tried to make his trusty old computer work. “Engineering looks way cooler than history.”

“Everything is cooler than history,” Sanghyuk grinned, earning a loud shriek from Jaehwan that made him laugh so hard there were tears in his eyes. “Okay, maybe not philosophy.”

“You should stop offending Humanities courses okay,” Jaehwan mock-scoffed, the corners of his mouth curling upwards as he climbed onto Sanghyuk’s bed next to him, to occupy his usual position for playing their favourite video game. “Physics is probably the biggest bullshit ever.”

“You’re right, Jaehwan,” Sanghyuk said quietly, not meaning it whatsoever, “you’re absolutely right.”

“I love arguing with you,” Jaehwan replied in a satisfied tone as he took his assigned controller from the nightstand.

“I almost never actually agree with you, you know,” Sanghyuk said with only half of his attention concentrated on the game.

“It doesn’t matter as long as you keep your true opinion to yourself,” Jaehwan shrugged, his fingers moving fast on the buttons.

“Maybe I should start standing up for myself.”

“There will be blood.”

“You wouldn’t hurt me.”

“Wouldn’t I?” Jaehwan trilled bending over a little like that would help shooting better. “Well, I’m definitely going to beat your ass today.”

Jaehwan’s character ran into a wall which made Sanghyuk snort as he laughed, especially that Jaehwan, being in haste as he was, had to suffer getting the poor guy out from behind the brickwork of the building.

“Most definitely,” Sanghyuk snickered.

The game got paused and Sanghyuk turned his head to the side to see an indignant Jaehwan with his eyebrows disappearing under his fringe, his eyes open wide and his upper lip curled up—he looked like an angry puppy.

“It’s just that my eyes are tired from the lenses,” he whined, his cheeks twitching involuntarily and Sanghyuk knew Jaehwan was seconds away from laughing out loud. Sanghyuk nodded sympathetically with his lips pressed together for emphasis, alert to every movement on Jaehwan’s face. “I’m not as young and fresh as you are, okay?”

Sanghyuk kept nodding with a grin slowly spreading over his face while Jaehwan turned his fake anger into an overly dramatic one and scooted closer until the tips of their noses touched, the wrinkles between his knit eyebrows smoothening, his gaze dropping to Sanghyuk’s lips, and then his eyes fluttering shut.

Sanghyuk had imagined this moment so many times after what had happened in the park; he knew what he would want to do if it happened again, and he knew exactly how he would want to react. He wanted to cup Jaehwan’s face and pull him close as he deepens the kiss; he wanted to include all of his feelings in it so that Jaehwan would see, so that maybe he would consider choosing Sanghyuk, maybe he would feel the same.

It wasn’t a kiss—only a gentle brush of their lips before Jaehwan pulled back with the smallest of sighs, resting his forehead on Sanghyuk’s shoulder for a few seconds. He turned back towards the screen then, his head still on Sanghyuk’s shoulder, taking the controller into his hands, resuming the game.

Both of their characters died in the next minute.


	8. VII

Sanghyuk was rather surprised when Hakyeon called him to tell him that they were going to the cinema that evening, the tickets booked courtesy of him. It had been two months since he promised taking Sanghyuk to the cinema so Sanghyuk tried not to sound too enthusiastic about it, but sadly, Hakyeon was hard to trick.

Sanghyuk closed his umbrella and took the steps down to the subway. He couldn’t help being excited even if he was miffed at Hakyeon for dragging it out so long—it was the new Avengers movie they were going to watch, after all.

Even the rain couldn’t spoil his good mood and that was something nowadays what with the upcoming final exams he was definitely going to suffer from after neglecting his studies for so many weeks. Jaehwan was going to distract him, he was sure of that, even though he swore that he would let Sanghyuk study in peace (little did he know that Sanghyuk would happily get distracted by him). And Hakyeon would tell him to stop whining and “get his ass out of the house” when he would be longing for a mango smoothie or whatever he would come up with while Sanghyuk would be studying until he’d feel like his brain started rotting inside his skull, but it was easy for Hakyeon to speak: he’d graduated quite some years before, and he was naturally smart whereas Sanghyuk had to be grateful for having the patience he had for studying, otherwise he never would have got where he was now. Being a nerd was hard.

He took the turn towards the metro entrance, but as soon as he wanted to step onto the escalator, he realized that he had  _seen_  something just a second before.  
He hurried back to the bottom of the steps, and stopped abruptly when he noticed the pile of clothes on the floor, the entire heap shaking.

“Jaehwan?” he asked tentatively like he was speaking to a stray dog that might attack him any time.

The heap of clothes emitted a small noise, something like a whimper, and Sanghyuk crouched down in front of it, putting his hand onto what he thought was a left shoulder.

“Jaehwan,” he called softly, looking around to find some people staring at them, but most of them didn’t care. He remembered Jaehwan’s words from the afternoon they spent on the playground:  _‘people walk around with earphones to block out noises and their own thoughts, and they don’t even bother to blink at me’_. He had never known they would be so true. “Jaehwan, what are you doing here?”

Jaehwan slowly lifted his head like it was heavier than what his neck could deal with, and Sanghyuk almost recoiled at the sight of his face. Jaehwan’s incredibly handsome features were distorted by the redness and tears that covered them, his eyes puffy and bloodshot, nose snotty and an expression so sorrowful Sanghyuk almost physically felt his heart shatter to pieces.

“Hey,” Sanghyuk croaked, panic rising inside his chest, and he wondered, for a moment, how far he had got himself into caring about Jaehwan, but it wasn’t the time for him to start pondering about his silly feelings. “Hey, are you— no, you’re not okay. Jaehwan, what’s wrong? What are you doing here? God, you’re… you’re soaked to the skin.”

Jaehwan just looked him in the eye for such a long time Sanghyuk felt himself blush, and when he moved to take his jacket off and wrap it around Jaehwan, he felt five icy, wet fingers on his wrist.

“You’ll catch a cold,” Jaehwan said so quietly it was almost a whisper, the tears welling up in his eyes again.

“I don’t care!” Sanghyuk snapped, and when he realized just how loud he was, he changed back to a softer tone: “You’re scaring me.”

"I’m sorry,” Jaehwan replied, a tear sliding down his face.

“No, that’s not what I meant. Look, I don’t know what you’re doing here and I don’t want to force you to tell me, but you have to get out of here before you freeze to death, and you can come up to my place, okay? Let’s go, okay?”

Sanghyuk stood up, reaching out his hand to Jaehwan who looked at him like a small child that had got lost. He worried his lower lip between his teeth, looked like he was trying to draw blood, and then took Sanghyuk’s hand, wobbling a little and sniffling as he stood up.

“Here,” Sanghyuk said, giving him a tissue and Jaehwan murmured a ‘thank you’ before he blew his nose. They walked up the steps, Sanghyuk opening his umbrella again, putting his arm around Jaehwan’s shoulder to pull him close, trying to protect him from further soaking in an almost paranoid way.

It was strange seeing Jaehwan so broken and taciturn, like it was something that was against the laws of the universe. It was a hundred times worse than back at the pond; Jaehwan wasn’t just sad, he was clearly wounded inside. It was frightening in the most uncomfortable way, especially that Sanghyuk didn’t know what had caused it, but he didn’t dare to push Jaehwan to tell him.

“It was Taekwoon,” Jaehwan said suddenly as if he could read Sanghyuk’s mind.

“Taekwoon?” Sanghyuk asked, a strange hotness starting in his stomach like he had eaten hot soup, but this one was caused by anger and hatred for Taekwoon. It had been only jealousy before, but it was outright loathing now—the kind that makes your hands clench into fists and you just really want to punch the subject of your emotions in the face until they lose one or two teeth.

“He… said it wasn’t right that you and I…” Jaehwan took a deep breath. “That we spend so much time together. I didn’t tell him anything about you and me, nothing worth to be upset over, but he was angry because I’m with you more often than with him, and I told him it wasn’t my fault he had to work so much and that I was not going to give you up, because I like you a lot and you’re my only real friend, and… and he just laughed and said that you weren’t— that you were just some misfortunate soul that was going to disappear just like all of my other friends and… and I told him that I wouldn’t let you go even if you tried to leave and…” Jaehwan’s voice cracked, and he let out an involuntary sob that resembled a hiccup, at which Sanghyuk instinctively started rubbing his back, feeling the drenched sweater under the palm of his hand. “He was furious and told me to get out of there, and I did, because Taekwoon looks like a huge fucking bat on an average day, but when he gets angry, he becomes even scarier.”

Sanghyuk suppressed a smile, because no matter how ridiculous that imagery was, every single syllable of it was true, but he knew Jaehwan didn’t say it to make him laugh.

“It’s okay,” Sanghyuk said, mentally rolling his eyes at himself for saying the most cliché thing that came to his mind. “You can sleep at mine. You can stay as long as you want. We’ll figure something out, okay? I wouldn’t let you go either.”

Jaehwan let out a shaky sigh, his head lolling to the side and resting on Sanghyuk’s shoulder as Sanghyuk typed in the code for the door of the apartment complex. 

They took the lift upstairs, Sanghyuk taking Jaehwan’s hand into his in a weak attempt to warm it up, but his own hand was gradually losing its healthy temperature as well.

Sanghyuk opened the door to the apartment, almost tumbling over the shoes next to it as he kicked his own off, trying to turn the lights on, but before he could find the switch, there was a nudge from behind his back, and in the next moment he was pushed up against the wall, dropping the umbrella as a pair of warm, plush lips pressed to his, waterdrops landing on his face and streaming down to his mouth as Jaehwan kissed him, making it taste like rainy summer nights. It only took him a few seconds to realize what was going on, but when he did, a sigh escaped him like he had been waiting for this for weeks, months, years, maybe his entire life. It was liberating in a way; Jaehwan finally letting his guards down, not tentative and timid and Sanghyuk not having to contain himself anymore, not having to refrain from moving his hands up to Jaehwan’s curly hair for his fingers to get lost in the locks, even if they were wet. Jaehwan angled his head to the other side, arms sliding behind Sanghyuk’s back and grabbing his waist, pulling him as close as they could, and Jaehwan felt so warm against him, so alive despite everything—the way wet bodies tend to feel.

“Holy shit, oh God!”

Sanghyuk pulled back so fast he hit his head against the wall, and Jaehwan’s fingers sank into his flesh from fright.

“I’m sorry!” Hongbin yelled, looking away as if he had seen them naked. It was exaggerated, but it set Sanghyuk’s cheeks ablaze nevertheless. “I couldn’t hear you, I’m sorry!”

“I thought you weren’t home?” Sanghyuk squeaked.

“I’m going over to Wonshik’s right now,” Hongbin said, finally looking up, glancing at Jaehwan’s arms around Sanghyuk’s waist that quickly fell down.

“Yeah, uh,” Sanghyuk closed his eyes for a second. “Yeah. This… this is Jaehwan.”

“Hello,” Jaehwan said in a nasal tone.

“Hey,” Hongbin lifted his arm and waved at him. His voice screamed of awkwardness. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“I’m… glad?” Jaehwan looked at Sanghyuk (blushing, embarrassed, on-the-verge-of-crying-from-frustration Sanghyuk) with the ghost of his happy smile around his lips.

“I’ve got to go now,” Hongbin mumbled and stormed past Sanghyuk and Jaehwan, stopping on the porch for a moment to say: “See you later.”

He really didn’t want to see them later—that was clear for all of them, but, Sanghyuk thought, at least he would notify Hakyeon about the cancellation of their movie night as soon as he reached the bottom of the staircase.

Sanghyuk stood unmoving for a second, and then closed the door. Jaehwan took his shoes off, avoiding Sanghyuk’s eyes.

“Come,” Sanghyuk said, taking Jaehwan’s hand and turning on the lights, making his way towards his bedroom. “Sorry for the mess.”

Jaehwan looked around the clothes on the floor and dirty dishes all around, open textbooks lying here and there.

“I’ve seen it in a worse condition,” he said with a half-smile.

“You should… take your clothes off,” Sanghyuk mumbled, rummaging through the towels, pulling out one, and then looking for some sweatpants and a T-shirt.

When he turned around, Jaehwan was still just standing, his head hanging, letting out tiny sighs, sounding like he was trying very hard not to start crying again.

“Jaehwan,” Sanghyuk said, stepping closer to him. “I will literally beat the shit out of Taekwoon if you get pneumonia.”

Jaehwan wiped at his face with his hands, and then took his sweater off, tugging up his shirt afterwards. With great effort, he managed to pull down his jeans as well, and then reached for the towel, but Sanghyuk didn’t let him take it. Jaehwan looked surprised as Sanghyuk wrapped the towel around him with his cheeks turning even redder than before, and started drying his arms, shoulders and back, moving on to his stomach and then his legs, deliberately looking down onto the floor when Jaehwan’s crotch got to eye level. When he was done with that, he stood up again, rubbing the towel over Jaehwan’s hair, paying a lot more attention to it than he would have, if Jaehwan hadn’t been staring at him so intensely.

There was a second when his eyes met Jaehwan’s, and suddenly he dropped the towel, because Jaehwan kissed him again, arms snaking around Sanghyuk’s neck, his body still too warm against Sanghyuk’s. Only God knows how Sanghyuk found the time to take his jacket and shirt off, because Jaehwan seemed hungry for kisses—he nibbled on Sanghyuk’s lower lip with every turn of his head, his tongue knew every single move of Sanghyuk’s, and he didn’t bother pulling back even when he tugged at Sanghyuk’s trousers, urging him to get out of them.

It was only logical for Sanghyuk to pull Jaehwan down on the bed and hover over him, he didn’t think about it much. It was just right.

Jaehwan was skinny, bony even, more than Sanghyuk himself, even though he didn’t have much to be proud of either. Still, Jaehwan was soft under him, his skin milky and almost liquid as Sanghyuk’s hands roamed over his body, fingertips touching the waves of Jaehwan’s ribs, lips pressed to the boy’s throat, a peck to his chest just above his heart, and Jaehwan caressed him with trembling hands, tugging and pulling at Sanghyuk’s back like he was a blanket Jaehwan tried to cover himself with.

“Sanghyuk,” he breathed into Sanghyuk’s ear, pecking his cheek tenderly. “Sanghyuk.”

“Yes, yes, I’m here,” Sanghyuk replied, looking into Jaehwan’s beautiful eyes, feeling himself fall deeper than ever before. How many nights had he spent imagining this, how many hours had he spent thinking of Jaehwan and how it would feel like to kiss him again, and how wrong all those images were! It was a million times better in reality; Jaehwan was falling apart, but Sanghyuk hoped he could put him together again.

“I never want to let you go,” Jaehwan mouthed against Sanghyuk’s lips before sealing them with his own again.

Sanghyuk was not going to go further, not now, even though his body was aching; he was not going to take advantage of Jaehwan’s mental state, and Jaehwan didn’t seem to force him either.

Sanghyuk’s lips were sore; he felt that thing you feel when you’d been kissing too much, the new, tender, sensitive skin coming to the surface, all of it blood red. His lips were undoubtedly swollen, but he’d be damned if he was going to stop now, only for his lips to hurt less the next day. He didn’t even care if there was no tomorrow, Jaehwan kissed him like that anyway; his own hands felt like they found the right place to be at, and it was on Jaehwan’s body. Everything was flawless with his stomach in knots, his body trembling and Jaehwan in his arms. If his life had been a book, this is what its ending would have been. He was living the Happily Ever After.

“Did you know,” Jaehwan asked when they broke away from each other, Jaehwan lying on his back and looking up at Sanghyuk who supported himself on his right elbow, “that you look like the mixture of a cat and a teddy bear when you have that shit-eating grin on your face?”

Sanghyuk raised his eyebrows, trying to suppress his ‘shit-eating grin’ and finding that he couldn’t.

“Should I take that as a compliment?” he inquired.

“It was an observation, silly.”

“Well, my observation is that you are…” Sanghyuk cut himself off, feeling the tips of his ears burning with a new blow of embarrassment.

“I’m what?” Jaehwan asked, his tone curious and maybe a little worried.

Sanghyuk couldn’t bring himself to say it; he just stared down at the sheets where the fingers of his left hand brushed against the skin of Jaehwan’s waist. Jaehwan arched up then and kissed him again, for the millionth time, all of it still feeling anew on Sanghyuk’s mouth, still refreshing, still  _Jaehwan_ —and that was the only thing that mattered.

Jaehwan grew tired after what felt like an eternity; his lips moved languidly against Sanghyuk’s, the pads of his fingers pressed weaker into the skin of Sanghyuk’s back. He pecked Sanghyuk one, two, three times more, and then scooted lower in the bed, pulling the duvet over both of their shoulders and snuggling into it, the tip of his nose touching the base of Sanghyuk’s throat as they lay next to each other.

“You’re gorgeous, Jaehwan,” Sanghyuk said softly, his fingers carding through damp locks, twirling them around his fingers every now and then.

“I don’t understand why you hesitated; that’s obvious.” Jaehwan murmured in a raspy voice, his hot breath hitting Sanghyuk’s chest in the most pleasant way possible. He let out a small laugh, the wave of it running through Sanghyuk’s body as well. “No, really. Thank you. I don’t deserve you.”

Jaehwan pressed a kiss to Sanghyuk’s skin, leaning into the touch of Sanghyuk’s fingers in his hair afterwards.

Sanghyuk wanted to say something like ‘no, you deserve better’, but the entire situation was cheesy enough already and he would have retched if he’d seen all of this on film, but it was Jaehwan and him now which made reality feel like the most beautiful dream he’d ever had. Still, he didn’t want to scare Jaehwan away with a sappy comment—he didn’t have to know how euphoric Sanghyuk was feeling, not yet.

He nuzzled into Jaehwan’s hair, breathing in summer breezes, sunshine, warmth and starry nights, pulling Jaehwan closer, their legs entangling under the duvet. He was feeling content, happy, and something more that wasn’t quite tangible for him, even though Hakyeon had already decided that the L-word was the most accurate one. He couldn’t be sure.

But all of it was  _perfect_.


	9. VIII

Jaehwan’s voice drifted about sweetly in Sanghyuk’s head and he tried to hold onto it, catching some of the syllables and trying to make sense of them. They eventually woke him up fully and he blinked a few before he could focus his eyes on the curve of a naked back, the sharp outline of a spine on the edge of the bed, Jaehwan sitting there with his left elbow on his thigh, resting his head on the palm of one hand while he held his phone to his right ear with the other.

“I’m at Sanghyuk’s,” he murmured in a low, hoarse voice. He let out a sigh—the whole image suggested that he was feeling the pressure of the problems he had been able to forget about the night before falling back onto him with a crushing weight now. “Yeah. Yes, I spent the night here, but you shouldn’t be surprised, Taekwoon.”

Sanghyuk felt the anger gnaw at his insides again. Jaehwan still talked to Taekwoon after how that jerk had handled him, but he didn’t yell or cry, he just sounded devastated.

“I’m not sure if it would be a good idea for me to go home right now,” Jaehwan said, his voice shaky. “Maybe… maybe we should spend some time apart, don’t you think?” Sanghyuk swallowed hard, his hand grabbing the sheet underneath him. The silence stretched on, but Sanghyuk wasn’t sure Taekwoon was talking—the only occasion they met he had hardly uttered five words, but of course, Sanghyuk had no idea how he worked around Jaehwan. Jaehwan suddenly let out a soft chuckle and Sanghyuk’s heart fluttered from happiness and his stomach cramped from fury at the same time, knocking the wind out of him. “Not instant ramen, right? Taekwoon, I—” a second of silence, and then, very faintly, almost inaudible: “I love you, too.”

Sanghyuk heard Jaehwan say his goodbye to Taekwoon, but he didn’t listen. He watched Jaehwan collapse on top of his legs, back moving up in a deep sigh. Sanghyuk lifted his hand from the sheets, all five fingers trembling from the tension, the tips lingering on Jaehwan’s skin above his right shoulder blade, caressing gently when they settled. Jaehwan jerked up and turned around with wide eyes that shone guiltily, a sad smile curling the corners of his full lips upwards, and Sanghyuk felt his entire self smile back—eyes, mouth, everything. Jaehwan had dark circles under his eyes, his nose was pink, lips cherry red, hair sticking up and face creased. It was a whole new level of beautiful that Sanghyuk thought no word existed for.

“How are you feeling?” Sanghyuk asked and almost cursed when he found that his voice wasn’t as strong as he wanted it to be.

Jaehwan didn’t reply. He put a hand on top of Sanghyuk’s on his back, still smiling, but his face looked like the grey clouds on an August afternoon. Sanghyuk didn’t want him to cry again.

“Thank you for everything, Sanghyuk,” he said then, letting go of Sanghyuk’s hand and standing up to find his clothes on the floor.

“Aren’t those still wet?” Sanghyuk asked, sitting up, ignoring Jaehwan’s words, because they sounded like goodbye and he was not ready for that yet. He didn’t think he’d ever be. “I’ll give you something—”

As he stood up, Jaehwan grabbed his arm, stopping him.

“I’ll be fine. Please, don’t worry about me.”

“How could I not,” Sanghyuk mumbled, staring down at the floor while Jaehwan pulled his jeans on. “You’re going back to that sick, possessive bat.”

Jaehwan looked up at him, his frame too small as he hunched his shoulder, his face tiny as his head hung.

“It’s not right, is it?” he asked quietly.

“No, it’s not,” Sanghyuk agreed, his hands sliding up on Jaehwan’s bare arms, resting on his shoulders. “He’s hurt you, Jaehwan. He’s binding you to himself. Why do you think I’m your only friend?”

Jaehwan looked at him like he had been slapped. He took a step back, leaving Sanghyuk’s hands lingering idly in the air.

“It’s not his fault.” Jaehwan shook his head. “What do you even know about that?”

“I know what you told me about it last night,” Sanghyuk replied, his hands dropping back down next to his sides. “You’re here for a reason, Jaehwan.”

“I’m here because I overreacted things and wanted comfort,” Jaehwan said, his cheeks dusted over with pink, his eyes scanning the floor. “I would have called you eventually if you hadn’t found me. I needed you, Sanghyuk, that’s why I’m here.”

“But it didn’t mean anything to you,” Sanghyuk concluded, and Jaehwan looked hurt at that, his eyes snapping up to Sanghyuk’s face, glazed over with regret. “I’m nothing compared to Taekwoon.”

“That’s not it at all,” Jaehwan whispered, and, for a second, the thought of Jaehwan looking like a puppy who got scolded flashed through Sanghyuk’s mind, suppressing every source of his anger. “I like you a lot. You have no idea how much you mean to me; you’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever known.”

“Then why don’t you stay here?”

“Because I can’t,” Jaehwan replied, picking up his shirt and sweater, putting them on. “I have to go back. I always have to go back.”

“Is he a physical threat?” Sanghyuk asked, sounding desperate for which he hated himself more than Taekwoon for anything. “Is he blackmailing you?”

“No! No, he’d never do anything like that to me.”

“Then what is it that makes you obliged to be with him even if he’s the biggest ass on Earth?”

Jaehwan looked like he wanted to hug Sanghyuk, but all he did was reach out for his hand and hold it. Sanghyuk didn’t budge as Jaehwan’s fingers curled around his; his hand was limp in Jaehwan’s grip.

“Taekwoon…” Jaehwan started with a deep breath, “he’s been everything I have for so long that I can’t live without him anymore. You can say I’m too poetic or romantic or whatever, but… he’s my past and my present and he’s probably all of my future as well. Without him, I’m just an empty shell. You fill up the void he can’t and will never be able to, and I’m honestly so grateful for that. I don’t want you to leave me. You make me feel complete like no one ever has.”

“You can’t toy with my feelings like this, Jaehwan.” This time Sanghyuk was the one who recoiled from the touch, his hand clenching into a fist after Jaehwan finally released it, blunt nails pressing into his palm. “If, as you said, I’m just a filler for that void, you should never have shown me other type of affection, because I seriously thought that what happened between us yesterday and the other day and weeks ago was something special. I don’t think you haven’t realized how I feel for you—you’re not stupid.”

“I have,” Jaehwan said, deflated. “I have and unconsciously took advantage of it. I’m so sorry, Sanghyuk. But you have to know that if Taekwoon… if I weren’t so dependent on him, I would definitely reciprocate your feelings, maybe even stronger than the way you feel about me.”

That sparked a small flame of hope inside Sanghyuk, the type you hold onto even when you know it can never happen, like when the doctor says your beloved one has a 90% chance of dying, but you still believe in that 10%. 

“So, you’re going to leave me here with the promise that in a parallel universe you could love me, is that it?” Sanghyuk asked, the saddest grin making its way onto his face. He felt the tears well up, but he was not going to break down now, Jaehwan had to know that he’d really fucked up, not just made a little kid too hopeful and took away the prospect later. “Are you realizing how cruel this is? It… It all seems like you want to get away from Taekwoon but don’t have the courage to do so. I don’t understand.”

Jaehwan just stood there with his eyes shining beautifully and Sanghyuk almost hugged him tight, he almost cupped his face and kissed him, almost dropped to his knees to plead with him to stay, but he was prouder than that. His heart was being broken into the tiniest pieces, and he was, in a sense, too far gone to let this small affair with Jaehwan just slip by, but he was not going to fool himself with the miniscule chance that Jaehwan’s voice would lose that silkiness it only had when he was talking about Taekwoon, and that his glow would radiate for Sanghyuk rather than the oppressive, egoistic man.

“I will never regret this,” Jaehwan said eventually, and Sanghyuk suddenly felt like someone clenched his heart as strong as they could, squeezing the happiness out of it. “You’ve saved me, Sanghyuk.”

“Then, at least, there will be something that was worth going through all of this,” he smiled,  _tried_  to smile, tried to hurt Jaehwan just a little. Jaehwan wanted to say something but Sanghyuk didn’t let him. “I won’t leave you. I promised I wouldn’t and I don’t want to lie to you. I just need time, okay?”

“I would give you fifty years if that was what you needed,” Jaehwan mumbled, quite poetic, probably the musician forming the words in his mind.

“Maybe I’ll need just that.”

Jaehwan looked around the floor again, looking for more of his things, but his clothes were all he had. He glanced back up at Sanghyuk who suddenly felt ashamed of his own half-nudity, but figured that draping the duvet around him like an ugly gown would do no good for his already severely injured pride. He only blushed at the realization.

“Thank you,” Jaehwan said again, meaning it from the bottom of his heart—Sanghyuk could see it in his eyes. “And I’m sorry.”

“Yeah,” Sanghyuk said lamely, looking away.

Jaehwan took that as an indication to leave, and maybe it was exactly that. He walked out of the room; Sanghyuk heard him put his shoes on, and a few seconds later the opening and closing of the door. He was gone.

Sanghyuk sat down on the bed, rubbing at his face, nails scraping the skin of his cheeks as he pulled his hands downwards. 

Jaehwan was selfish, Taekwoon was poisonous and Sanghyuk was overly dramatic. These were facts, but even if he admitted that he was just a little more than (righteously) butthurt, this whole thing was still  _off_. The goddamn thumping of his heart inside his chest, the pressure in the backs of his eyes and his trembling limbs told him so.

He had no idea what it was that he felt, and he desperately wanted to label it to make it somewhat tangible and existing, because things that hardly exist cannot be destroyed, and he was not going to live with this aching, suffocating feeling for the rest of his life. He liked Jaehwan a lot, probably in every sense of the word, but it still wasn’t right—that term just didn’t contain the right letters, it tasted funny on his tongue. He felt affection for Jaehwan; he was precious to Sanghyuk, so much so that he would have done a lot of things he wouldn’t have done for Hakyeon, for instance, and Hakyeon was his dearest friend. He was fond of Jaehwan, and even more so after the kisses of the night before, because Jaehwan showed him what it felt to be fully comfortable and content with things, how it felt to have everything in the world in place.

Sanghyuk lay back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, counting the cracks that looked like spider veins on the white paint.

There was one single expression he didn’t want to think of, but it was prodding at his brain, gradually growing from a vague idea into a powerful, heartbreaking notion.

If he— what if he…  _loved_  Jaehwan, what if he was actually in love with him as Hakyeon suggested? Would he ever be able to shatter that feeling? Would he ever be able to crush it to pieces that don’t matter anymore like a few grains of dust on an old picture frame? If it was love indeed, and Jaehwan was never going to requite it… would he be able to fall in love with someone else? Would he be able to jump from an unsealed emotion to another—to the same feeling but for someone else? His worst fear was that he was going to be in love with the wrong person for the rest of his life and never would he experience how it feels to share all he had with someone who was right for him.

He didn’t want to become the swan in the pond. He didn’t want to be bitter over someone who was never going to return to him.

It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Jaehwan wasn’t there.


	10. Epilogue

Sanghyuk was so close to giving up waiting for Hakyeon, especially that his class was about to start in 10 minutes and he was nowhere near ready to depart from the corner where he was waiting for his best friend.

 

What was so very urgent for Hakyeon to order Sanghyuk to meet up with him at 8.50 am was not exactly clear for Sanghyuk himself, but he would have bet his entire fortune that it was nothing of paramount importance. Still, he waited there, bag on his shoulder, cappuccino in one hand and a hot latte with Cinnamon Dolce Syrup in the other, tapping the rhythm of the ripples of his anger with his right foot.

 

“Good you’re here,” Hakyeon jabbered instead of a greeting, taking his latte from Sanghyuk and giving him some cash in return. “Mm, this is amazing, thanks.”

 

“Hakyeon,” Sanghyuk said, forcing himself to sound calm. “I’m going to be late. What do you want?”

 

“Okay, okay,” Hakyeon nodded and reached out his coffee for Sanghyuk to hold. He started rummaging in his own bag, digging up two rectangles of fabric. “Which one would be better for a shirt? This one or this one?”

 

If looks could kill, Hakyeon would have at least fainted from the one Sanghyuk sent him.

 

“Did you seriously drag me here to tell you which one of those shiny-ass materials would look good on you while you obscenely drag your hands up and down your body?”

 

Sanghyuk’s ominous whisper apparently didn’t scare Hakyeon for he said: “Yes.”

 

Sanghyuk stared at Hakyeon, silently begging him to say he was just joking, but when he realized that Hakyeon wasn’t, he examined the sparkly navy and the sparkly steel blue rectangles of fabric, throwing his arms in the air.

 

“The left one,” he said.

 

“Are you sure?” Hakyeon asked, his expression worried. “Because if you’re just joking—”

 

“I’m not, I don’t want to spend more time with you trying to decide between fucking fabrics than necessary.”

 

“Navy it is, then. I’m going to Taek— ah, I’m going to get these done.”

 

Hakyeon looked at Sanghyuk like he mentioned someone who had already passed away. Sanghyuk didn’t care, tried not to care, _had no time_ to care at the moment; thinking about Taekwoon or… other people took him a while because he always arrived at the complicated net of controversial feelings in the end.

 

“Yeah, well, I have to go now,” Sanghyuk mumbled, fidgeting awkwardly with the strap of his bag.

 

“Take care,” Hakyeon said so gently it made Sanghyuk feel like he was saying goodbye to his mother. He smiled at Hakyeon reassuringly before walking off towards the tram station.

 

It was a sunny September day, dry leaves all around the streets of downtown which was a queer sight at any time of the year. The air was a bit chilly in the morning, but it would definitely warm up by noon and Sanghyuk’s jacket would become unnecessary. That feeling just went with the beginning of the new semester.

 

He didn’t notice the man standing next to him because he was too concentrated on the small pebble he was kicking back and forth with his feet until he saw, from his peripheral vision, the logo of a familiar shop on a brown paper bag. He stopped his actions for a second, and then looked up to see Jaehwan staring at him with an almost invisible smile.

 

Sanghyuk hadn’t seen him in a while, almost two months, and he hadn’t prepared for meeting him again yet. His chest got heavy and he heard his pulse drumming in his ears—he was suffocating.

 

“Hey,” Jaehwan said, clear and melodic like always.

 

“Hey,” Sanghyuk breathed back—he hoped he did.

 

“Going to class?” Jaehwan asked, pointing at Sanghyuk’s bag.

 

“Yes,” Sanghyuk nodded. “You?”

 

“Home. I have no shift today. I just went to grab something for breakfast.”

 

“But you don’t even like those pastries.”

 

“Yeah,” Jaehwan laughed. “I don’t. I’m just too used to their taste.”

 

He looked down at the paper bag in his hand with his smile fading a little, his gaze jumping up at Sanghyuk’s face for a second and Sanghyuk almost let himself believe it was nostalgia what he saw on Jaehwan, that maybe he missed the time they had spent together just as much as Sanghyuk did. Almost.

 

“Would you…” Jaehwan began, seemingly trying to gather his thoughts for a moment, looking at Sanghyuk again. “Would you like it? It’s a scone filled with peach jam.”

 

“I don’t want to take away your breakfast, Jaehwan.”

 

“I already ate the other one,” Jaehwan shrugged. “I’d like to give it to you.”

 

Jaehwan’s eyes were so shiny and so big and he was so… _Jaehwan_ that Sanghyuk’s heart felt like it was able to beat again after two months of it lying still and cold; it wanted to flutter out of his chest.

 

“Wait a second,” Sanghyuk said, pulling his bag forward, opening it and rummaging through his textbooks, notebooks, pencil case and water bottle. It took him an embarrassingly long time to take his Mars bar out of the smallest pocket, but when he found it, he reached it out to Jaehwan. “It’s seemingly a chocolate bar but… it’s actually an apology. Chocolaty and nougaty and caramely. I hope it’ll be sufficient.”

 

Jaehwan slowly took the Mars bar and handed Sanghyuk the scone. He eyed the chocolate like he was expecting it to tell him something, and Sanghyuk smiled, because he could see the impatience on Jaehwan’s face, he knew he wanted to shove the entire bar down his throat right then and there but he was containing himself. He was cautious.

 

“Thank you,” they said at the same time, grinning at each other.

 

“Don’t you want to skip your class and go to the park?” Jaehwan asked then. “Or… do you want to study some more cool equations?”

 

“I don’t care about equations,” Sanghyuk replied, shaking his head.

 

He watched Jaehwan as he ate the chocolate on the way to the park, Sanghyuk himself chewing on the scone. Jaehwan was still as beautiful, still as heartbreakingly himself that it pressed down on Sanghyuk’s chest, his voice was still like milk caramel candy, but it was okay.

 

Jaehwan was there. That was all that mattered.

 

 

** End **

 

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to talk to me about any of my stories or just vixx in general on [tumblr](http://hongbab.tumblr.com/), [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/hongbab) or [aff](http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1061753) ♡ please support me on [ko-fi.com](https://ko-fi.com/hongbab) if you can ♡


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